Living my life avoiding the shine of who I am born to be has proven to be exhausting. A life lived avoiding judgement at all cost under the guise of ‘perfectionist pursuits’ has shown to be faulty and inauthentic. A life lived making decisions aimed at narrowing the gap between competing insecurities has been a fruitless endeavor. A life rooted in potential as evidenced by the heroic references of the past has created a reflective pool of constant shame. A life lived giving credence to ego induced praise has built both a conscious and unconscious default to seek more. A life lived with an internal GPS routed towards others acceptance and validation only to arrive at a hollowed sense of self. A life lived tirelessly juggling a false sense of worthiness, weary of character flaws inadvertently falling from mid-air exposing perceived self-truths has become grueling.
Well, needless to say, this approach to life attempting to remain hidden or at best becoming a seasoned chameleon is admittedly my own.
The emotional fatigue accumulated by attempting to uphold a pristine self-image by appealing to the ‘likes’ of others has become such a blessing in disguise. The shift began with understanding the power of personal responsibility and the willingness to choose differently when confronted by my conditioned beliefs. A constant reminder that I am always at choice to choose differently by confronting and disrupting my predictive patterns.
Becoming keenly aware of what I call my ‘winning strategy’ which is capable of routinely leading me down the path of all things I am not has become priceless. I have resigned to the notion that my most limiting beliefs serve as my universal truth. I chose to no longer make every effort to ‘kill-off’ the denied parts of me that has me stay within my comfort zone. Instead, I now choose to befriend those rejected parts of myself that make me — uniquely me.
The realization that I could not outmaneuver external judgements has been an emotionally freeing experience. Ultimately, I am now willing to loose my way by choosing to risk judgement which conversely is my personal win.
A life lived evolving knowing that I have and am enough. A testament that the path is lit for me to practice continued unconditional love for self and others. It was best said by Dr. Maya Angelou, “You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great. I belong to me.” A reaffirming statement that I am now free to be me and living my life.